Some Old Age Bumper Stickers

A little old lady
is walking down the  street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.There's a hole in  one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the  pavement. • Noticing this, a policeman stops  her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...' • 'Damn!' says the little old lady   'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the  warning!' • 'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you  get all that money? Did you steal it?' • 'Oh, no', says the  little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the  football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the  bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a  big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes,  I yell: '$20 or off it comes!'' • 'Hey, not a bad  idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other  bag?' • 'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them  pay'

A Lawyer Joke
• The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, 
good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 

'• May I help you?' she asked. 

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 

• 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer 
someone else,' said the madam. 

'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied. 

• Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, 
the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. 
After an hour, the man calmly left. 

• The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. 

• Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row--too 
expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. 
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. 

• The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded 
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. 

• After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been with 
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked. 

• The man replied, ' South Carolina .' 

• 'Really' she said. 'I have family in South Carolina .' 

• 'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. 
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.' 

• The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 

• 1. Death 
• 2. Taxes 
• 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

In the Dark 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. 
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. • She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. • So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. • She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. • She went completely ballistic. "You impotent ?#%@,” She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" 
 • The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 

"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids."

Religious Differences

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.   

Two Guys

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." • The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried." • The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? • The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" • The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

13, 13, 13

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'  The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

 • Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

 • Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here it is:              
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot
tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'                                  
                                                                           
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.  

Undies
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep  asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them

Mom said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

 Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!